"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ," Phillipians 3:8 (NASB)
My life in Christ started twelve years ago. On Feb. 20, 1988, I was a young married mother of a beautiful baby boy named Sean. Up to this point in my life I was terribly unhappy, and I thought that being a mom would change all that. My childhood was filled with fear and pain, and I had never been able to trust another human being to help me understand that there was hope.
When I was nine, my stepfather began his nightly ritual of sexually abusing me, through rape, sodomy, and bestiality. In my confusion, I thought every girl must have to go through that sort of "training" so I learned to endure the shame. I was trapped in a world of fear and loneliness. At night I was so afraid of falling asleep because I didn't want to wake up with him on top of me, so I developed insomnia that would last half of my life. Sometimes I secretly watched Billy Graham crusades on TV, and I had hope that there was a God who loved me and would somehow protect me. I prayed at night that He would take the black demons out of my house and send them far away so that they would never find their way back. Unfortunately they always did, but I knew I wasn't alone.
I renounced my Christian beliefs in high school, when an English teacher got me into Transcendental Meditation. My life of fear and loneliness grew, even through marriage. On February 20, 1988, my world nearly caved in. After a long day, I was rocking Sean in the dark trying to get him to sleep. He was a happy six-month-old baby, and all he wanted to do was play. As my husband stood by my side, in support, I suddenly heard a terrible screaming sound. I saw before me, two bloody hands, violently shaking my baby back and forth. In terror I realized that it was I screaming and it was my hands shaking my baby.
My husband grabbed Sean, and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I grabbed some knives, in a feeble attempt to kill myself, but I knew I couldn't, and in desperation, I begged God to send me to my death, as I had just ruined the only thing good in my life. Instead of killing me, God filled me with inexplicable peace and met my cry with His awesome mercy. I walked calmly to the bedroom to soothe my husband and son, and made a call to a coworker of mine, whom I knew to be a Christian. I then accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my life and repented of all my sins.
You may think that my life became a victorious example of God's grace after a supernatural event like that, but you are wrong. My life was filled with doubt, divorce, and despair. I often beat my face black and blue, and I would scratch my arms and legs to try to overcome the inner turmoil that pervaded my mind. Many wonderful Christian people tried to help, and their prayers would calm my angst for awhile, but the "monkey on my back" could never be destroyed. I was nearly out of hope in these last few years, of ever experiencing victory in my Christian walk or on my emotional journey.
I could never get a handle on self-control, and I never knew why I struggled with same problems after repenting time and time again. My dear mother in Christ, Peggy Watts was visiting from Melfort in June 1999. She laboriously brought me through Seven Steps to Freedom, by Neil Anderson. Praise God, I did experience victory in some areas, but I knew that I needed something more. Peggy told me about her own victorious deliverance through her Pastor's mother, Janet Horbas. I phoned Janet one evening and immediately there was a connection. I sensed a security in the authority of Christ within her like I'd never experienced before. My spirit quickened and all I could think about was to meet this woman!
I read Janet's book and through much prayer, I wanted to bring her here to North Battleford. I went to my Pastor with all the information on Go World Gospel Ministries, and before I even knew what was happening I was speaking to the church board on why I thought that Janet would benefit our church with her discipleship training seminar. They embraced the idea almost instantaneously, and I was thrilled to be sharing her with other believers. A date was set, and the arrangements were finalized. I was so excited that God was up to something big.
Then something happened. I started to suffer insurmountable fear. "Maybe I don't need deliverance." Or, " Maybe I can't really afford the plane ticket." On and on. I even questioned Peggy to see whether or not I should cancel the whole thing. I'm sure she shook her head at my bizarre behavior, and for about three weeks I was in great turmoil. I relied on the prayers of Peggy and Janet, and I read God's Word hungrily. I felt as if no one around me would understand the inner agony that I suffered. Then the day came for me to pick up Janet from the airport.
I wanted to run crying, when the plane landed, and it took all my strength just to stay put. My children were so patient with me. We started the deliverance two days later with the loving support of Peggy, who drove three hours to be by my side. Over two days, Janet took authority over the demonic influences in me, in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
A certain entity manifested near the end, and there was no question in my mind what this was. It was the evil that had pushed me to suicide attempts and the episode that brought me to God's saving grace with my husband and Sean twelve years earlier. The Blood that was shed for me at Calvary made it possible for the Authority of the Lord Jesus Christ to send that evil to the pit, never to influence, manipulate, or steal victory from me again.
I cannot begin to say what a difference this has made in my life, except to say, "Glory to the Lamb of God". The compassion that God has is now a very personal and living thing to me. Through telling the world of this miracle in me, I hope to give God the glory that is due Him, and proclaim the good news of the gospel of Christ. I really am a new creation. It happened spiritually when I was saved, and it happened physically through my deliverance. One day not long after my deliverance, my daughter told me that my eyes didn't look mean anymore!
My devotions are deeper, my thought life is purer, and my lustful flesh is subject to the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am truly free. I am free to minister God's great love and saving grace to whomever He chooses. I no longer fear the Gospel and for the first time in my life, I can see that God's love is for me too. I have lived my entire Christian life believing that I was not entitled to the promises of God because I could not achieve victory. No matter what was said I knew my sin stood in the way. Not any longer! I do not believe that I will not suffer temptation, I already have, but by standing on God's Word and fleeing temptation, I have the victory. So can you, so can our loved ones.
My children and I have a very different life since I was introduced to Janet Horbas. We are going forth as those released from prison. Sean, who is twelve, has plans for ministry since his own deliverance. Rebekah, almost nine, experienced her own freedom through being delivered as well. My calling is to pray and I pray that you will seek and praise God when you read these words of how I was set free and sent forth! May God's Spirit of truth guide you ever closer to Him.
By the grace of God,